My Guilt

This is very difficult for me to write about. I can spend all day talking about Dominic and his struggles. Opening up about myself is very different. However, I think at this point it is necessary. This past Wednesday Dominic and I visited his psychiatrist, Dr. Rubin. Dominic has been very irritable this past week, snapping at every question, and screaming or making noises when I try to speak to him. Dr. Rubin thought the Adderral might be agitating him, so we stopped it. He is currently taking just Abilify, but we upped the dose a bit. On Friday we visited his psychologist, Dr. Beth. I asked her how long it takes for the Adderral to get out of Dominic's system, because he was still incredibly irritated. When she said it's a daily drug and it's long gone out of his system, I started crying. If it's not the medicine, and his behavior is ok at Grandma's house, and doing good at school, then what's left? It has to be me, right? I'm the one who has the most problems with Dominic, so I must be doing something wrong.

Dr. Beth pulled me out of the room and talked to me about "situational depression". She suggested I see a counselor and/or consider medication. She said if I don't take care of myself then I can't help Dominic. A lot of the things she has suggested we try haven't worked because there is too much negativity in the house. When she said this I realized it was true. I've been sluggish, tired all the time (even more so than normal considering my job), haven't been cleaning the house or car like I used to, and I've had a general sense of hopelessness. I feel selfish being depressed because that takes time away from him.

Now that I think about it, I can trace these problems back to May, when Dominic was diagnosed. I immediately felt weighed down with guilt. My family has a history of mental problems, such as bi-polar, depression, ADHD and ADD. I brought a child into this world knowing my family history but completely ignorant of the consequences. When Dominic was a young child, I knew something was off. I knew he wasn't like other kids, but I didn't know what the issue could be and I wanted to pretend he was eccentric. If I had brought him in sooner could he have been helped enough for him not to have problems in school? Did I hurt him by waiting until I was told by an outside source that there was something wrong with him?

We have been working with Dominic on behavioral therapy and medication for four months. It's very difficult to determine whether or not there is improvement in his behavior. We've had quite a few good days, where he listens, does what he's told, and doesn't hit me. But is he just having a good day? Or is it the medication/therapy finally working? When he has nothing but bad days for a few weeks, did the medicine stop working, or is he just having some bad days? There is so much confusion and very little answers.

I want so many things for Dominic. I appreciate his many skills, and his strengths, but I think I focus too much on what needs to be "fixed".  I think I will see a counselor. I wish that I could find someone that has experience with families with Autistic children. There are support groups out there, but none close and the times they meet are not workable for us. I want to be able to handle all of this by myself. I want to be the strong Mom, who helps her child and does it without complaints. Realizing that no one like that exists is a hard pill to swallow.